Let’s make something clear right from the get go. Even the worst of the worst marvel movies have a special place in my heart. If you would have told 10 year old me that in some twenty years from now that there would be SO MANY movies based on the marvel universe that Morbius would even have his own film, I would have been wanting to hop in a Time Machine immediately. Looking back, it’s honestly pretty cool how much of the universe has been adapted. We should all learn to be a bit more grateful when it comes to the duds because it’s a much trickier thing than you would think to adapt something like a comic book accurately to the big screen. Especially in a way that both a)remains a valid interpretation (contains the essence of a character) according to fan culture and b) excites general audiences. Remember: The fact that a live action version of these characters AT ALL is a treat (again..Morbius?!). Comics and movies are both visual mediums that both owe each other and influence one another in compounding ways as the decades drag on. If we look at the Marvel movies more as a genre instead of a brand then we can uncover some ways the franchise has evolved through the times. Back before the MCU, when the Spider-mans, the X-Mens, etc. hit theaters there was not a whole lot to learn from. Not only that, but geek culture was not always the most popular of lifestyle choices (case in point, read any 1960s era Spider-man comic and you will see why the character resonated with so many. He was an uncool geek with a secret life). They had to start somewhere and many of those fresh starts were made by teams of people who recognized that there was in fact an audience for Marvel movies. Unfortunately, they couldn’t quite embrace certain elements of the characters because they were afraid of committing too much to something that was frankly still “uncool”. If the kids who read comics were getting beat up or called names then surely the average human wasn’t going to be interested in a movie about a comic book character. This is a curse that plagued the movies for years, and if were being honest, persisted well into the development of the MCU. It didn’t help that Christopher Nolan came around and grounded the Caped Crusader in reality; something that I will long believe only exacerbated the confidence problem that surrounded adapting these characters. The “Dark Knight Effect” is something we’re still battling to this day and trying to claw out of. It’s easy to see why Bale’s Dark Knight was so universally beloved but the industry took the reasons for that success and ran with it. I believe we still have a ways to go before “comic accuracy” reaches the heights that the movies deserve to have but in recent years we have certainly made bigger strides than ever. Why did Nolan ground Batman in the real world? The same reason why Dolph Lundgren’s Punisher didn’t even wear a white skull on his chest. The comic book was looked down on by Hollywood so creators shied away from associating with it. The answer was to cut what made the character special to begin with in the name of realism so that people who thought comics were “uncool” would buy a ticket. And to be frank, that could be a good side effect in the end, because it led to the now. So would I change the past? Absolutely not. Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy was incredibly important to the genre and at least partly responsible for how we got to where we are today with multiple franchises grossing well into the billion dollar ranges worldwide.
Enough digressing. Let’s talk about the movies that are the bottom of the barrel. I won’t spend time on what I’m keeping in mind while analyzing, I covered that in the last post. Check that out if you want a better idea of what kinds of things I’m looking for when I discuss these movies. For me, even the worst of the worst are rewatchable and special. But for the average viewer, the F-tier represents movies that are either broken, a failure, or offensive. For most, if you haven’t seen these movies, I recommend you stay away from them. Don’t waste your time unless you’re either trying to torture yourself or you have to watch them, for whatever reason. I have ordered them by worst to best, but when talking about F tier movies that order is certainly debatable. Although, like I said before, this list is carefully created via substantial analysis with a regard to credibility through the lens of fandom. So I stress again, this is the definitive tier list. There really isn’t a better ranking. Let’s begin with our worst Marvel movie of all time:
(For those of you who wish to avoid spoilers please proceed with caution).
98) Captain America (1979) -Directed by Rod Holcom Starring Reb Brown
For me this straight to tv movie is the bottom of the barrel. The acting and dialogue is borderline parody. Our star spangled Avenger wears a motorcycle helmet as his cowl for gods sake. When viewed through the lens of a Marvel movie it fails in regards to lore as well. We have a a muddied origin suggesting that he inherited his powers from his Dad (at least our protagonist’s name is actually Steve Rogers) and his power set is ill defined. One scene, he can jump up a crane but then struggles against two normal barking dogs in another. Even for 1979 standards it feels like it was made with a budget of whatever pocket change Rod Holcomb had in his pocket and even with as low stakes as that, they still couldn’t be bothered to adhere closer to the source material. There is no real supervillain or foil for Captain America either. The costume from the neck down is fine I suppose. Although it’s best to avoid this movie for most of you, there are a couple things to note that could give it value. Like I said, If we’re viewing this through the lens of the Marvel movie pantheon then it’s clearly a dud. If we view it through the lens of 1979 it may be worth watching in the same way The Room is worth watching. It certainly has a “it’s so bad its good quality” to it and is sure to offer up some laughs via some camp that only a 70s movie can. This is a movie to watch with the bros while getting drunk and making fun of, rather than something to pay attention to every little detail. For those of you interested in comic book history, it’s worth noting that the movie did inspire a couple important things: This movie was the first time Captain America rode a motorcycle as part of his character. Jim Shooter’s Captain America 259 (released in 1981) sees the Captain gifted a motorcycle for the first time which becomes a relative mainstay of the character going forward on the pages thanks to this movie. Even our boy Chris Evans rode one. In my opinion, there isn’t anything that screams America more than a Harley style motorcycle so this is a welcome development. Issue #318 of Captain America by Mark Gruenwald, who would go on to write the character’s longest and arguably most defining run of all time, incorporated Captain America’s movie van into the comic book lore. All in all though, unless you’re a die hard Captain America fan, skip this one. And spoiler alert, but skip the sequel that came out the same year also.
97) Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (1979)- Same as Above
Im not going to go into detail here. Everything that applies to the first Captain America movie applies here as well (they were filmed back to back so they didn’t really have much time to learn from the first one). If you enjoyed the first one, you will enjoy this one. If you didn’t, well then this one won’t change your mind either. Similar quality, similar enough costume. In my opinion, the plot is even worse, but there is one thing that sets this part from its prequel and gives it a slight edge. We have the legendary Christopher Lee making an appearance some 20 years into his acting career as the villain in this movie. The villain he portrays is as basic as it gets, but hey, it is Christopher Lee so there is that.
96) Howard the Duck (1986)- Directed by George Lucas
Im not going to spend a lot of time here on Howard. At this point, the internet has nailed this famously infamous movie to a tee so I’m not going to attempt to change any minds here. This movie is so unanimously considered bad that it’s really hard to argue otherwise. Sure, the movie isn’t quite as bad as you remember if you saw it for the first time as an adult. But if you saw it originally as a kid and loved it, this movie is quite disappointing to revisit. It has aged even worse than you would think. If your name is George Lucas and you just finished directing one of the greatest movie trilogies of all time, you have earned your right to direct whatever you want. Even then, it boggles my mind that with that kind of power you choose Howard the Duck. It’s risky but in a certain way, I can see why. Howard the Duck certainly had a cult following and was far ahead of its time when he was conceived by comic book writer Steve Gerber in the 1970s. The character was, um, unique, to say the least. George saw the potential. But unfortunately what came out of it was proof that just because you can create something great and amazing doesn’t mean that everything you create can turn to gold. Howard the Duck was a weird movie, that had some frankly creepy effects (which is strange considering this is the mastermind behind the effects of Star Wars), some weird themes that didn’t know who its target audience was. Was this aimed at kids? There was some awkward sexual themes here. Was this aimed at adults? The 15 adults who actually read Howard the Duck comics certainly showed up but maybe there just isn’t enough fandom with the character to turn this 80s movie into anything with staying power. Notable for being the first major theatrically released Marvel movie and it being directed by George Lucas is kinda neat to think about, but that’s about where it ends. Check it out if you must, but call it for educational purposes to avoid the weird looks you will get from your spouse when they find out you’re watching Howard the freakin Duck. Avoid like the plague and be hopeful that Marvel has better plans for him in the future because in reality the Duck deserves it.
95) The Punisher (1989)-Directed by Mark Goldblatt, Starring Dolph Lundgren
Dolph’s turn as the punisher is unique because it’s the first time anyone played this iconic character. Fun fact for anyone out of the know-The Punisher first appeared in a now classic issue of Amazing Spider-man (ASM #129 in 1974 written by the certainly proven team of Gerry Conway and John Romita Sr. RIP) as an assassin hired to kill Spider-man by the Jackal. The character rose the ranks of popularity over the years so in that regard it’s impressive that it took a mere 15 years from creation to screen. It’s no secret that by the year 1989 (the film was actually originally released straight to tv in America in 1991) the Punisher had a fan base, so excitement for the film was high. The character was an immediate hit and had all the right ingredients to long term staying power from the get go. He was a former marine with so much ptsd he wanted to right the evils of this world by methods only a marine could. Frank Castle was so ripe for development that the character went on to become something of a phenomenon even among non-comic readers. He was developing as a character at a time when the world was paying money to go see Stallone kill hoards of bad guys with giant machine guns (Rambo). Like all things pop culture, history repeats itself and informs itself. The punisher comics inspired Rambo, Rambo inspired the subsequent punisher comics (see Garth Ennis’s Punisher run), and now we have modern Punisher movies making homages to Rambo. Interesting, but I digress. To summarize; the militaries of America had a superhero to represent them and their PTSD struggles on the pages and he finally is getting a movie. When viewed under the historical lens, the movie came out and was poorly received. The movie immediately made one major misstep and it’s an important one; this Punisher was not a marine. He was a cop. All of a sudden, the fans who felt heard by the Punisher felt betrayed by the movie. The movie fundamentally changed the character in what I consider to be substantial way by removing his military background. It gets some things right, like the action, and (arguably) Franks motives. His attitude was decent but Dolph was no Oscar winner either. Not only that but Dolph’s punisher didn’t even wear the iconic skull in attempt to distance itself from the source. To make it worse, he technically did utilize the skull, but it was on the hilt of his knife. If that doesn’t scream insecurity in your brand I don’t know what does. The result was too obscure to be truly an accurate Punisher and but not obscure enough to stand on its own as its own thing. I recommend you pass on this movie unless you’re a die hard Punisher fan. In essence the movie was almost like a rough draft of what a Punisher movie should be, but not quite. Extra negative points: no inclusion of any other major marvel character, no super villains, no legit sequels, and it left a legacy that the character is only just now starting to come out of.
94) Fantastic Four (2015) Starring- Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell Directed by Josh Trank
Ah we have reached our first modern era marvel movie. It’s truly quite impressive in its own right how low it is on this list. I actually had quite a bit of an internal debate for which movie was next between this one and the latter but ultimately decided that Josh Trank’s FF is worse, even if it is a slightly more compelling film. Let’s explore why this Marvel movie is no marvel. If you’re even remotely a part of the zeitgeist then I’m sure you at least know of this movie’s existence. For most, that is the extent of the legacy this film has inspired. Again, impressive. I have a lot to say about the Fantastic Four as a Marvel property; they were THE original Marvel Comics comic, the one that started it all, literally. That isn’t where the accolades end for the first family; Stan Lee and Jack Kirby’s Fantastic Four run is quite possibly the most influential and important comic run of all time. We wouldn’t have Marvel at all if the Fantastic Four never took off in the 60’s. They may not be quite household names like Iron Man, Spider-man, Batman and Superman are in todays world but it shouldn’t go without stating the impact these characters had for the development of the comics industry and just about every character you love. The FF were certainly the flagship title in the beginning by intentional design. Reading through the original Stan and Jack run is essential no matter your level of interest in those characters if you’re even remotely interested in reading any run of the era. Yes there were Marvel characters pre-FF #1 but Stan and Jack literally designed this book to be the start of a line of comics that occupied the same New York City that the other heroes did. This book was absolutely the flagship book the company offered. The Marvel universe is a living, fluid and immortal property where thousands of characters flourish to this very day; a concept that I’m certain would not be present at all if that initial FF run didn’t cement it so. To everyone who doesn’t know: the Fantastic Four IS Marvel in its purest form. Frankly, you don’t like Marvel if you don’t like the Fantastic Four. I have so much to say about the FF that I don’t want to waste my thoughts on one of the worst Marvel movies in history so I will save it for now. Why even bring it up then? It must be stressed the importance of adapting the first family properly if a true cinematic universe set in Marvel’s New York City is possible. They are the heart after all, and in particular, one Benjamin Grimm (The Thing) is literally and figuratively the heart of the entire Universe. No character embodies the Marvel way more than the Thing. I would go so far as to say that he is the most important creation that Stan and friends conceived. So when I watched Josh Trank’s FF and found Stan and Jacks greatest creation to be utterly boring and a forgettable part of the FF movie, then I knew the creators didn’t understand the character. It should be a rule that if you don’t understand Ben Grimm and can’t write him, you don’t deserve to write the Fantastic Four. The movie had numerous behind the scene dilemmas and plagues ranging from reported cases of misogyny, re-writes, reports of the director fighting with corporate as well as creatives, to name a few. When a movie undergoes this much inner turmoil it generally ends up a mess. How can it turn out ok if behind the scenes is a mess? The editing is terrible; some scenes later in the film feel tacked on (reports are that some scenes DIDNT EVEN GET FILMED that were intended to be filmed-how did this get a release?!). Regarding the cast-they’re fine. Not great, not bad, but Ben should have been better. Doctor Doom was embarrassingly bad, which is a problem, because Doctor Doom is the greatest villain in the pantheon. Doctor Doom, whenever he appears next, should be as big of a pop culture character as Thanos was. Here, he’s forgettable and hardly iconic. Dialogue is frequently unrealistic to the point that some scenes it feels like all the actors know it. The best of the bunch by a mile is Michael B. Jordan who actually does a passable Johnny. He tries to elevate the script and certainly embodies the character more than the rest do. Also, since when did Reed and Ben become childhood friends? They met in college. Way to literally start your movie off in its opening scene with a drastic change. And the thing is, I get why the Thing isn’t wearing pants. It makes sense. But this is a comic book movie. Give him some damn pants. You know it’s bad when you can’t bear to look at Marvel’s best character. Bad cgi, barely any action, all dialogue (to be fair, I want to see my first family interacting with each other a lot, but this movie doesn’t make me want to watch them interact). The first family done right is about ADVENTURE. There was no FUN in this movie. I dare you to read the first 10 issues of the Fantastic Four and tell me that they’re not fun. The magic of the property lies somewhere in simultaneously riffing on their relationship with one another across a wondrous and awe inspiring scientifically based adventure as backdrop. FF was dull with little stakes until way too late in the film. The choice to turn the FF’s powers into body horror is certainly an inspired take (its honestly a valid take that is present in some capacity in the source), but again, this takes the fun literally out of it. Nothing about their travel to another dimension was fun, bright, or even otherworldly. It had none of the creativity that Jack Kirby could insert into just about any comic with another dimension or world. Why did the other dimension just look like a desert on earth?? Blah. The movie has some of the right ingredients but unfortunately the final cooked product just doesn’t taste very good, a result that exemplifies what NOT to do when creating a comic book property, especially when based on the First Family. Doctor Doom was incredibly rushed. There was no interesting use if the family’s powers. Constant cringey and generic dialogue. Uninspired fight sequencing. At the end of the day, this was just forgettable boring trash that just isn’t compelling in any way. Ben delivering his iconic line even felt rushed (for gods sake put some pants on!) I can’t wait to see what Marvel Studios does with the property; the Disney banner should ensure that were at least getting a lively and colorful movie with a budget to match the imaginations of the original creators. They deserve better than this. The movie ended up, unsurprisingly, flopping and not finding an audience. Next!
93) Morbius (2022)- Starring Jared Leto, Directed by Daniel Espinosa
I tried to like this one. I really did. We could talk all day about the Sony Spider movies and their current predicament. They own a piece of the Spider-man puzzle but can’t necessarily make a solo Spidey film on their own due to the legal/financial deal with Disney and Peter Parker. So what does Sony do? Make movies about his rogues and friends instead. On one hand, I don’t blame them for wanting to use their property and develop solo films based on the web slinger’s gallery of rogues and friends. This is literally the only possible way that we’re ever going to get an actual movie based on someone as obscure to the general public as freakin’ Morbius, the Living Vampire. But then again, the other side of that coin is…we got a movie, based on freakin’ Morbius, the Living Vampire (who??). So what does a longtime comic reader do when he hears that Michael Morbius himself, the Living Vampire, a fan favorite Spider-man sometimes-rogue/sometimes-friend, was getting his own movie? He gets excited. Ah the possibilities of expanding a universe with Spider characters. After all, Spider-man has a top 5 comic book rogue gallery and supporting cast. So this is exciting (despite loving this character, he wouldn’t have been my second choice after Venom, but whatever). Except so far, the results have been less than inspired. If you’re going to do an inspired thing and make a movie about Morbius then get someone behind that camera who is inspired by that prospect. Because clearly no one was inspired. The movie is dull, boring, with no tension. Leto is clearly desperately trying to redeem himself from his turn as the Joker, and it shows. He seemed like he put a little too much into this but unfortunately the script isn’t strong enough to support it. The result was a character who was just depressing and not inspirational. I felt like I wasn’t watching a hero, or even a villain, I was just watching a movie about a vampire struggling with things that most vampires struggle with (staying alive). There were a couple cool (but short) action shots with some mixed CGI, but that’s about the best I can say about this film. Uninspired dialogue and acting, cinematography straight out of 2002, and nothing memorable or iconic. This is a film that certainly won’t age well since there is no meat or depth to even discuss. The legacy of the film is noteworthy since its spawned a whole lot memes. That’s embarrassing. Not only that, but it included a head-scratching post credit scene that seemed to have gone no where (so far). I guess it’s too early to tell if it will truly go no where, but unfortunately I just don’t care if I see Leto’s Michael Morbius again anyway. Which is unfortunate because he truly lives in a unique spot in Spider-man’s world. Ultimately, he would have been better suited as a reoccurring supporting cast in either the Spider-man or Venom movies. I believe the less we see of him, the more he’s mysterious, the better, instead of staring in a box office flop. I believe that in the year of 2022 when superheroes are more popular than ever, a box office success should be guaranteed. It’s almost MORE impressive when they flop today. Next!
92) I Am Groot (2022) Directed by James Gunn, Staring Vin Diesel and Bradley Cooper
I said I was reviewing everything. I meant it. This isn’t a movie, I know. But this is considered MCU canon so it’s getting a spot. And I’m sure there’s plenty of people who loved this. I enjoyed watching it, not going to lie. But I WOULD be lying if I said I want more things like this. The I Am Groot Disney plus tv show was 5 episodes of very short duration about the titular character. I gotta say, I think this is something some of us were in fact asking for: a series exploring The Guardian’s least explored character. But the decision to base it on baby Groot and set it around the timeframe of Vol 2 was clearly meant to be a cash grab and not a true character study. The result was 5 very cute and energetic shorts starring Groot that do nothing to expand on the character. It’s just five more excuses to give us more baby Groot. Don’t take this for complaining necessarily; cute baby Groot is always entertaining even if it’s just a collection of entertaining scenes. But I rank this in F category because 1) We don’t learn much about Groot or any other Guardian. 2) none of the shorts are necessary for the Guardian’s trilogies 3) Too inconsequential to care 4) the cgi is borderline terrible. I almost wish the time and effort put into this was put towards something with more meat and substance on its bones. I do recommend completionists watch this entry, it breezes by fast, and is considered canon, but be warned that there is a high chance you may feel like you wasted your time. Vin Diesel does solid work saying his only line like usual, and the short cameo Bradley Cooper makes voicing rocket is as good as always. For the inevitable season 2 (clearly James Gunn won’t be involved) I propose we actually start to delve into the character’s backstory. Maybe Disney is saving that, because it’s a special one. There has been a hint or two in the Gaurdian’s movie’s suggesting Groot being royalty on his planet so I know Marvel is headed there, but its weird we haven’t gotten there yet while the characters were under the expert visions of James Gunn. This just ain’t it Marvel. Try again. Next!
91) Ion Fist Seasons 1-2, Netflix (2017) Starring Finn Jones, Created by Scott Buck
If you were caught up with the Netflix Marvel crew, 2017 was an exiting year. We were finally getting a TV show staring 1/2 of the iconic Heroes for Hire (The other being Luke Cage). Iron Fist is a character, much like some of the other Marvel kung-fu guys, who has an interesting and controversial history that’s plagued his publication and status for years (racism has come a long way). Nonetheless, the character has endured, however, and is considered an integral part of the Marvel universe. With ties to many mystical aspects found in certain corners of the Marvel universe and connections to a variety of heroes, it’s safe to say the hype was high for his introduction into the Netflix universe. Outside of Daredevil, he had the most potential to truly elevate the brand. On paper, things were looking great. We even had some fight choreographers with an impressive resume on board for training the cast. The series turned out to be something none of us were expecting: boring, with lots, and lots, and lots of talking. And more talking. Not many fights, in a series about a guy who fights with kung-fu. And when they did happen, they weren’t remotely impressive. If you watched the first two seasons of Daredevil you were likely familiar with some frankly fantastic fight sequences, some of which to this day remains a high point for the genre. Those scenes have even gone on to inspire fight sequences in countless films and tv shows since, (most recently seen in Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 3 of all places). So the action was a let down. How was the cast? Well, for starters, our lead was…not likable. That’s not a diss on Finn Jones, I do think he was technically acting fine, and in some cases, was acting great. The problem wasn’t his alone. For some unknown reason, the show decided to make Danny incredibly immature, which surely was going to be part of his character growth, but the result in practice was a lead that no one enjoyed watching. I didn’t want to root for the rich stuck up brat who didn’t wear shoes and was out of touch with the real world whining about whatever he was whining about. This was a far cry from the Iron Fist I grew up reading. And for a show about a character with actual historical importance for the reception of kung-fu in American culture, I was shocked how little the show homaged the genre. One bright spot in a boring and ultimately inconsequential TV show was Jessica Henwick’s Colleen Wing. Her portrayal of the character has indeed endured as one of the overall bright spots in the Netflix catalogue making her inclusion her worth a look. She brought a gravitas to the show that we were all looking for in our lead-often displaying a more believable emotional arc while simultaneously being badass. At the end of the day, her performance couldn’t overcome a boring and whiny mansplaining lead, a show that couldn’t show as much as it could tell, its forgettable villains and lack of a thoroughly enjoyable emotional hook. The 13 episode prestige format didn’t do it any favors either, especially because we essentially had a two season arc that at the end of the day functioned more like a Defenders prequel than anything. Better off skipping this one. Even when binging Daredevil for the 10th time, I just don’t see the value in watching this even for completionist sake.
90) Fantastic Four (1994) Directed by Oley Sassone
I have to admit that I haven’t seen this movie all the way through. I just can’t do it. But from what I have seen, if you’re really interested in Fantastic Four and don’t feel like reading old comics, this is your best bet. I believe this movie is still better than the 2015 version because despite how bad it is, none of the characters are anywhere close to being as unrecognizable as the former. Dr. Doom looks and acts like Dr. Doom, Reed acts like Reed, Etc. Its worth pointing out that this movie solely exists so that Marvel could retain distribution rights. It was never intended from day one to be released to the public, so it never had a theatrical run nor did it ever get released VHS, DVD or Blu-ray. I debated on wether to include it at all but said what the heck, why not. It counts. The production value is low, the acting is cheesy, the dialogue was clearly not edited and the story is run of the mill. It’s an early 90s movie that looks like it’s a 70s movie. The costumes are actually decent? Hey, its better than the Thing with no pants.
89) Generation X (1996) Directed by Jack Sholder
This 1996 direct to TV movie originated as a TV pilot that never took off., only to be later broadcasted after the fact. Most people think of the Hugh Jackman movie as the original X-Men movie, which is understandable, because no one in their right mind saw this disaster. Much of the same problems plague this dumpster fire as some of the previous old-school Marvel flicks: poor writing, stiff dialogue that could have used some sprucing up, and uninspired action. I rank this slightly higher than the previous films because it does have a couple notable things about it (though nothing worth justifying a watch as much as it is worth keeping in mind). First, it’s unique in the sense that it’s the first comic book film to be directly inspired by a particular comic book run, and it was a recent one for the time at that. Generation X was inspired by the early 90s comic book run of the same name by Scott Lobdell and Chris Bachello (it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I will forever recommend the comic series over the movie). The movie does introduce the audience to a number of famous/popular X characters, it’s just a shame it never really found its right footing. Also, there are some thematic elements that carry over into the Bryan Singer franchise that is worth dissecting if you love those movies enough. Why did they choose to adapt Generation X as the worlds first X-men movie? Very strange decision especially for the times. The movie also made some strange decisions like changing Jubilees race. Not sure what else to say here. Oh, they consulted Scott Lobdell about creating some new characters. They obviously didn’t take off.
88) Nick Fury: Agent of Shield (1998) Directed by Rod Hardy, Starring David Hasselhoff
Nick Fury is a character that has quite the far reaching fandom, more than your average casual fan may suspect. So when David Hasselhoff was casted as Marvel’s premier super spy, fans were excited to say the least. For the unaware, Nick Fury is a character whose history stretches quite far back and is an original Marvel property. The comics up to this point, and for the following four years, Nick Fury was a middle aged white guy that Hasselhoff seemed to be born to be. The movie is actually commendable for upping the “comic-accuracy” and rolling with it. We have plenty of Marvel characters here that you may have heard of if you enjoy the MCU such as Baron von Strucker, Arnim Zola, Viper, Dum Dum Duggan, Alexander Pierce, and Hydra to name a few. So why is it so low on the list? In execution, it severely lacks. While it’s cool to see primitive forms of some of these now classic Captain America villains, watching the movie doesn’t offer a whole lot that the later films explore better in every way. Hasselhoff is great, but that’s norm for him. But the movie is just too campy to take seriously. Fun fact, only four years later would Marvel release a comic with a black Nick Fury who very intentionally was modeled after Samual L Jackson. This movie is recommended only if you like the character of Nick Fury and even then it isn’t essential.
87) Captain America (1990) Directed by Albert Pyun Starring Matt Salinger
Slightly better than the previous movies, but not enough to elevate it beyond F-tier. An argument could be made for D tier, especially if this movie was special to your childhood. For the rest this is simply closer to an authentic Steve Rogers but no cigar. The costume is great, but the lead star lacks acting chops. The directing is not anything to write home about. Though we do get a WW2 era Steve Rogers frozen in Ice and a Red Skull (finally!) that’s about the extent of where the praise ends.
86) Man Thing (2005)- Directed by Brett Leonard
You know that incredible Disney plus tv special presentation called Werewolf by Night? Ya the one with Man-Thing as a supporting character? Wasn’t his first time in a movie if you can believe it. 2005 saw the release of Man-Thing’s original theatrical outing. It feels like history repeating itself a bit: it was originally intended to be a straight to TV movie during the licensure deal Marvel had in place to produce a certain amount of movies a year. It was intended to be low budget to fulfill its contractual obligations. After the success of Blade, X1, Daredevil and Spider-man’s theatrical runs, the studio attempted to switch gears for a full on theatrical release. That (fortunately) ended up not happening and it stayed on TV after all. The result was a film that had decent visuals for the time, but not much else can be said about it. Passable acting but characters aren’t exactly comic accurate or in character anyway. Pass.
85) Elektra (2005) Directed by Rob Bowman, Starring Jennifer Gardner
After comics legend Frank Miller (of The Dark Knight Returns fame) shot Daredevil into stardom on the pages in the 80s, he took on Elektra before his run ended. He wrote the famous graphic novel Elektra: Assassin which is arguably the best piece of fiction on Elektra in existence. Intelligently, Marvel hired Frank Miller himself in the early 90s to write a script to adapt that story in its fullest on the big screen. To this day, that remains the number one movie I would travel to parallel universe to see. Who wouldn’t want comic book legend Frank Miller to write a script for his famous graphic novel?! The movie got cancelled in the 90s when Marvel was dealing with plenty of legal troubles that’s worthy of a completely different post (f you’re not in the know, the 90s legal and financial dilemma Marvel went through is crucial to understanding Marvel as a company both creatively and professionally). After Frank Miller’s Elektra got officially scrapped, the project lived on in the form we got. Major downgrade. We went from legendary comic writer Frank Miller to Rob Bowman for God’s sake. As a somewhat sequel to the 2003 Daredevil movie it decently works. It picks up right where Elektra was left off in that movie (literally). The script was decent and had some elements we all know and love about the Daredevil mythos but Jennifer Gardner was nothing to write home about. Sure she had the body but not quite the charisma to be Elektra Natchios. The later DVD sales saw a deleted scene that saw Ben Affleck cameo as Daredevil that should have been present from day one. Ultimately the movie is flavorless, bland and serviceable at best. There isn’t anything worth revisiting unless the movie holds some kind of nostalgia for you.
84) X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) Directed by Brett Rattner, Starring everyone
This marks the first movie that on the list that truly bums me out. X-men is my all time favorite comic book property so I have a lot of things to say about the merry mutants. Im going to refrain wasting time here for this movie to expand on those thoughts because frankly it’s not worth it. As the finale to the X-men trilogy this movie will substantially disappoint you. Coming up on the heels of what many consider to be one of the greatest superhero films of all time also make this one an even bigger disappointment. Not only that, but they decided to adapt the most legendary X-men story ever told: The Dark Phoenix Saga. I was still just a boy when this movie came out but I do have memory of seeing it theaters. At the time, I didn’t know any better and enjoyed what I saw. But over time I realized that this movie is the worst of the worst when it comes to the theatrical Fox X-men franchise. Overstuffed with characters, not enough time spent on Wolverine (or was it too much screen time?), and characters debuted that were strangely echos of their true selfs. While it does have some memorable moments, the plot is completely forgettable. It is a shell of the beloved Marvel story it’s based on. A movie plagued with zero personality outside of its Jean Grey scenes. It wrote out a bunch of the mainline characters to boot. While the effects were great for the time, even those have aged that I can’t say the movie can ride on those anymore. While the movies message is very at home for an X-men story, it still doesn’t FEEL like X-men, in part because even some of the most famous franchise characters were downgraded to two-dimensional characterization. It just felt rushed and too much. Not worth revisiting and thus it remains in the F tier.
83) New Mutants (2020) Directed by Josh Boone Starring Anya Taylor-Joy
I may be judging this movie unfairly by placing it in F tier. But that’s why I put it last. I believe it’s the best of the worst. I debated on putting it as high as C tier at one point, but ultimately decided that its still a pile of trash. That’s how much I really really want to like this film. As a massive X-men fan, the hype surrounding this movie was huge for me. I will forever love the entirety of Chris Claremont’s X-men run (To date, Chris Claremont has written the longest comic run in history during his tenure on the X-men) in its entirety but I have to admit something. I was late to the party to the 80s New Mutant run he wrote that this is directly inspired by. But I did catch up on it eventually and let me tell you, I wish I read it sooner. It’s by far the highlight of his mega run. So when it was announced that this movie would adapt the first arc of that run I was over-joyed. Finally they were adapting something famous from the books that wasn’t the Dark Phoenix saga. The movie was a project that was long in the works and eventually saw itself into development hell, with enough delays to last beyond the Fox X-Men’s shelf life. But it persisted and actually came out as the belated final X-men movie (I still can’t believe that it exists to be honest). I was so hyped for this that I refused to see it when it came out and received some negative reviews. I didn’t want Claremont’s incredible creations to be ruined for me in any way. But I eventually caved and watched it. And it’s…not good. Cannonball has the worst accent I think iv ever heard from an actor. Rayne played by Maise Williams is a little too on the nose casting, but why was she never a real werewolf in the movie? Sunspot is a personal favorite character so was nice seeing him use his powers a couple times, but the acting was atrocious pile of one dimensional trash. Danielle Moonstar is an integral part of the team but I felt like she went from movie lead to plot device before the film ended. The real star of the show was Illyana Rasputin AKA Magik AKA Colossus’s sister played by Anya Taylor-Joy. Honestly, she was about as good of casting you can get. I sincerely hope she comes back as Magik in the future because she was the only bright spot (sorry Sunspot) in the whole film (I just have to turn away during the cringy scene where she opens the portal saying her name, then were good otherwise). Her powers were well represented even though I have issues with the pet dragon Lockheed even being present at all in the film. Lockheed is usually associated with Kitty Pride, even though Illyana’s origins do cross paths with the dragon, it’s not enough to justify giving her Lockheed at all. The demon bear saga is a legendary X-men arc that this movie doesn’t even come close to comparing to but hey at least Magik was cool here or there during action scenes particularly despite some questionable dialogue. All in all it was a disappointment that’s not worth revisiting unless you love Magik and want to watch her (so far) only live action appearance.
There you have it. The marvel movies over the years have ranged from unwatchable to must see. Starting with the lows made me realize just how far we have come. Next time we will climb the ladder to the D tier movies. Next time we will go over what makes a Marvel movie D tier and list away!
until then,
to be continued…